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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Away
Nail
Hammer
Hammers
Nails
Shed
Tool
Closed
Tools

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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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