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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Law
Feelings
Didn
Cop
Traffic
Laws

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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin