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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Dishonesty
Comedian
Honesty
Second
Policy
Best
Elimination

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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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A pear is a failed apple.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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