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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Calling
Start
Less
Years
Time
Testament
Thousands
Anymore

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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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