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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Testament
Thousands
Anymore
Calling
Start
Less
Years
Time

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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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You never see a smiling runner.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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