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It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Impossible
Waiting
Clinic
List
Abortion
Lists
Nine
Months
More quotes by George Carlin
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
George Carlin
I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
George Carlin
When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
George Carlin
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
George Carlin
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
George Carlin
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
George Carlin
When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
George Carlin
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
George Carlin
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
George Carlin
Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
George Carlin
Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
George Carlin