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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Straight
Distance
Line
Lines
Two
Points
More quotes by George Carlin
It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
George Carlin
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
George Carlin
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
George Carlin
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
George Carlin
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
George Carlin
People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
George Carlin
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
George Carlin
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
George Carlin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
George Carlin
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
George Carlin
Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
George Carlin
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin
Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
George Carlin
I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
George Carlin
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
George Carlin
Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
George Carlin
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.
George Carlin
In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
George Carlin
