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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Nothing
Uncaring
Incompetent
Viewed
Figure
Figures
Father
Best

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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