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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Alcohol
Father
Eventually
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General
Cough
People
Pieces
Jerk
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Tobacco
More quotes by George Carlin
The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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