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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Always
Claim
Somehow
Claims
Anyone
Powerful
Money
May
Needs

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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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