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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Arms
Given
Didn
Would
Masturbate
Short
More quotes by George Carlin
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
George Carlin
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
George Carlin
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
George Carlin
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
George Carlin
Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, Hey, listen to me. Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
George Carlin
The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
George Carlin
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
George Carlin
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
George Carlin
I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
George Carlin
I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
George Carlin
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George Carlin
We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
George Carlin
There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
George Carlin
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
George Carlin
Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
George Carlin
