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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Masturbate
Short
Arms
Given
Didn
Would

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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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