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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Given
Didn
Would
Masturbate
Short
Arms

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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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