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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Masturbate
Short
Arms
Given
Didn
Would

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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
George Carlin
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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