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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Tell
Functions
Seems
Primarily
Looks
Price
Time
Function
Watches
Fact
Lost
Facts
Additional

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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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