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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Feels
Intoxicated
Sophisticated
Able
Feel

More quotes by George Carlin

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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
George Carlin
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
George Carlin
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
George Carlin
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
George Carlin
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
George Carlin
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No comment is a comment.
George Carlin
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
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Language always gives you away.
George Carlin
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
George Carlin
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
George Carlin
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
George Carlin
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
George Carlin
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
George Carlin
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
George Carlin
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
George Carlin
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
George Carlin
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
George Carlin
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A pear is a failed apple.
George Carlin