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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Medicine
Harder
Took
Remember
Sicker
More quotes by George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.
George Carlin
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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Language always gives you away.
George Carlin
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
George Carlin
