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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Airplane
Colors
Hats
Wearing
Color
Three
Pastel
Never
Pilot
Pilots
More quotes by George Carlin
For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.
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You never see a smiling runner.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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