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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Never
Pilot
Pilots
Airplane
Colors
Hats
Wearing
Color
Three
Pastel
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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