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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Men
Legal
Illegal
Women

More quotes by George Carlin

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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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