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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Illegal
Women
Men
Legal

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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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