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I do something about the weather. I stay home.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Something
Weather
Stay
Home

More quotes by George Carlin

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What year did Jesus think it was?
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
George Carlin
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George Carlin
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
George Carlin
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
George Carlin
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
George Carlin
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
George Carlin