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I do something about the weather. I stay home.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Something
Weather
Stay
Home

More quotes by George Carlin

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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
George Carlin
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
George Carlin