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I do something about the weather. I stay home.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Home
Something
Weather
Stay

More quotes by George Carlin

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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
George Carlin