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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Course
Home
Funniest
Even
Anymore
Waste
Laughing
Food
Bring
Courses

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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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