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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Waste
Laughing
Food
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Course
Home
Funniest
Even
Anymore
More quotes by George Carlin
To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
George Carlin
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
George Carlin
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
George Carlin
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
George Carlin
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
George Carlin
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
George Carlin
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
George Carlin
Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
George Carlin
Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
George Carlin