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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Even
Anymore
Waste
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Funniest
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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The status quo sucks.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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