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George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
American
Satan
Standard
English
Messages
Played
Standards
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More quotes by George Carlin

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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
George Carlin
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
George Carlin
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
George Carlin
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The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
George Carlin
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
George Carlin
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
George Carlin
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
George Carlin
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
George Carlin
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
George Carlin
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
George Carlin
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
George Carlin
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
George Carlin
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
George Carlin
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
George Carlin
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
George Carlin
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
George Carlin
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
George Carlin