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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Break
Every
Record
Number
Records
Personal
Numbers
Days
Alive

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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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