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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Numbers
Days
Alive
Break
Record
Every
Number
Records
Personal

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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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I believe you can joke about anything.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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