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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Numbers
Days
Alive
Break
Every
Record
Number
Records
Personal

More quotes by George Carlin

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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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