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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Alive
Break
Every
Record
Number
Records
Personal
Numbers
Days

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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Your home is your refuge.
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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Life is not that complicated.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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