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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Actually
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Intelligence
Might
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Ammunition
Real
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People
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Fighting
Pool
American
Raise
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was as a straight comic in the Sixties. The second was as a counterculture performer in the Seventies. The third will be...well, that's for others to judge.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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