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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Hitler
Restaurants
Table
Tables
Somehow
Reservations
Bothered
Found
Dropped
Always
Restaurant
Never
More quotes by George Carlin
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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We created god in our own image and likeness!
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
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No comment is a comment.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
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