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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Table
Tables
Somehow
Reservations
Found
Bothered
Always
Dropped
Never
Restaurant
Hitler
Restaurants
More quotes by George Carlin
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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