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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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Life is not that complicated.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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