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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Mind
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Tests
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Performed
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None
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Hundreds
Colonel
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Colonels
True
Soldier
Promoted
More quotes by George Carlin
Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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