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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Persons
Button
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Screen
Thinking
Screens
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Kill
Comedy
Funny

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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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