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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Grades
More quotes by George Carlin
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
George Carlin
