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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Humorist
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Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Really
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Ronald
People
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Reagan

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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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