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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
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Well
Outlaws
Need
Outlaw
Needs
Guns
People
Precisely
Gun
Humor
More quotes by George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Hooray for most things!
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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