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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Faces
Implies
Success
Emotionally
Heart
Overwhelming
World
Divorce
Personally
Failure
Face
Partial
Rather
Heartbreak

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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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