Quote

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Never
Number
Groupies
Think
Interested
Groupie
Thinking
Instead
Clap
People
Numbers
Crabs
Anyone
Misguided
Certain
Onstage
Going
Attract
Always
Sex

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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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