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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Since
Morning
High
Understand
Nothing
Onstage
Mean
Eight
Going
Asked
Never
Question

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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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