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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Morning
High
Understand
Nothing
Onstage
Mean
Eight
Asked
Going
Question
Never
Since
People
More quotes by George Carlin
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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