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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Says
Team
Winning
Games
Funny
Ever
Humor
Game

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Hooray for most things!
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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Your home is your refuge.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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