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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Sex
Fifteen
Millions
Consequences
Mother
Twenty
Night
Twenties
Canceled
Always
Legs
Spreading
Spread
Effectively
Consequence
Hitler
Million
Pairs
More quotes by George Carlin
By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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