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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Actually
Father
Left
Young
Alcohol
Wells
Asked
Well
Leave
Trouble
Quite
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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