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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Millions
Ovens
Food
Turkeys
Modern
Thanksgiving
Living
Culinary
World
Cooking
Clean
Realize
Realizing
More quotes by George Carlin
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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