Quote

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
World
Cooking
Clean
Realize
Realizing
Millions
Ovens
Food
Turkeys
Modern
Thanksgiving
Living
Culinary

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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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