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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Realizing
Millions
Ovens
Food
Turkeys
Modern
Thanksgiving
Living
Culinary
World
Cooking
Clean
Realize
More quotes by George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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