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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Clean
Realize
Realizing
Millions
Ovens
Food
Turkeys
Modern
Thanksgiving
Living
Culinary
World
Cooking
More quotes by George Carlin
When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
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No comment is a comment.
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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