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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Pure
Minutes
Best
Live
Years
Eighty
Six
Magic

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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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Religion is just mind control.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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